(untitled for now)

She sways in one sweeping movement
and we all see and gape.
the feathers of Her hair-
the tremble of Her red brown red.
flaunting and floating, firmly rooted in the sky;
soon She'll have neither hair nor colour to cajole.

and by the jealour cold, the impatient frost,
she'll melt in pieces:
preciptating loudly
RED GOLD RED BRONZE RED FLUSH RED
coaxing her admirers back before the jealous blanche
washes the world white in ice.

her resplendency in pieces before her; a
train of life and dealth that crunches
crunching and crushed to ash

ash makes us forget.

and we, her wayward lovers
will find ourselves entralled and terrified by her white ghost-
her vengence in null colour
"remember me, remember no more
a year away until i return"

woohoo my first dps poetry post :) hiya, i'm valerie for those in the dps that i may not have met yet.
i wrote this thinking about the drumlin at Trent (LEC overlooks it and i am a LEC-dweller). i was thinking about the colours of the trees and it really takes my breath away, but lately the leaves have fallen down. it reminds me of Dorothy Livesay's poem "Fantasy in May". Livesay personifies tulips as harlots, and it made me think of the autumn leaves as something similiar-in the way that the colours are there, then they're blown away, and all that's left are bare branches.
so in my poem, i also personified the autumn trees as a woman who draws attention and love to herself through her colours.

the winter can be understood as either the worser side of herself, or another "woman". i didn't really intend to have this dual meaning, and would like to stick with one (i like the former). in the text i highlighted, particularly the jealous cold verse in the second stanza, do you think i should delete it completely, and hopefully eliminate that "second woman" perception of winter?

also, i really don't like the word "flush" in the second stanza. i'm looking for a colour word that's more metallic (in consistency with "gold", "bronze") but i'd like to keep the monosyllabic pattern.

in the last stanza, what do you guys think about the word "white"? i was thinking maybe "ice" instead, b/c the "null colour" sort of already implies white.
and in the last two verses, i'm trying to write that as what the autumn trees are saying to us, who forget about autumn b/c we're so caught up with snow. the way that i ended up writing these two verses, it sounds as though there should be a rhyming couplet, but i'm terrible with rhyming. do you think that i go w/ a rhyming couplet? either way, i really need to change that word "return". and the first-person "i" doesn't have to be there.

thnx :) see you guys on Thurs