this is (not) hopping on the bandwagon

hello all,
just like to let you know that i have created a seperate blog for my creative writing: www.replacingschwa.blogspot.com
hope to see you there
-val

Death III

Breathing is painful beneath the heavy-laden curtain
--air scarce, our lives were like cages.
The letters on stone always before me
We had to look away whenever he came out

Even the fading radiance is too blinding
I knew my eyes would be gouged out of their sockets
Pathetic, I am proven.
But I breathe, just the same.
The same, that's the problem

Something's in the scarlet
I never noticed the colour of the veil
when we wore it--an aged tiresome shade, like brick
(yet our hearts could not be eroded)

This is freedom? We deny the law of it.

Then something, like Su Duko and Caramilk
Glory_____Mercy_____Newness
Be
cause the hour of divine abandonment brings me home
Be
cause the old curtain is removed, and new linen I'm given
Be
cause the veil, our veil, is newly torn
I cannot wait to see my Bridegroom,
when scarlet means white
and with joy and victory I run

my Love, my Freedom, my
breathing now effortless
though I'm conscious of every inhalation
through the split in the curtain


technical and general comments welcomed, as always!

my new poetry blog

just so eveyone knows I recently made a blog that only contains my poetry. There's a lot of stuff you know, but also a lot of stuff you haven't seen yet. A general warning however, unlike my normal blog this one is not censored.

JEALOUS : KIND

Desperate refusal of previous invitation

Version 1b:
Peeking through the covers,
You entice me.
Glaring from behind the glass,
You taunt me.
Jumping in under the covers, [Noah's idea to bring temptation into the bed]
You invade me.

I have seen and the longing to taste grows.

Version 2:
The green light on the security alarm box fails to blink [inspired by Jordan's attention to detail]
as you come in.
Your shadow interrupts the flicker of the tv
on the wall behind the couch.
A shiver runs up my spine as my hand [Brendan's idea to bring the threat closer]
touches a warmth under the covers.

no.
I do not want you here.
No.
I did not ask for you to come.
NO!

But I opened the door
and did not close it when you came by.

{I think the use of the noncontracted forms (ie. do not, did not) seem to make it more urgent, though less personally convinced. I think the second version - though entirely different from the original (which I will post eventually) - is more powerful. The original was too anitclimactic.}

Thanks for Remembering Us - Dana Gioia

The flowers sent here by mistake,
signed with a name that no one knew,
are turning bad. What shall we do?
Our neighbor says they're not for her,
and no one has a birthday near.
We should thank someone for the blunder.
Is one of us having an affair?
At first we laugh, and then we wonder.

The iris was the first to die,
enshrouded in its sickly-sweet
and lingering perfume. The roses
fell one petal at a time,
and now the ferns are turning dry.
The room smells like a funeral,
but there they sit, too much at home,
accusing us of some small crime,
like love forgotten, ans we can't
throw out a gift we've never owned.

Minutes from two weeks ago

January 26th, 2006
Present: Noah, Mike, Erin, Caroline
"Todd is forgiven for not coming because he had half his teeth ripped out." - Noah
Noah urged us all to rewrite some of our poems using other people's feedback and share on subsequent weeks.
"The guy downtown who sings to you is cool." - Mike

Mike went first:
Random Poem about Canada (this is the one he revised and read this past week)
Poem on Canada - Part 2 - The Coming of the White Man (I missed the author's name)
- A poem about a tract of land owned by the author's Aunt Hildegard who has never actually seen the land she owns.
- Some grat discussions on Canadian nationalism came out of both these poems

"Lucy Maud Montgomery writes bad poetry." - Mike

Noah
Elizabeth Bishop - A poem about Ezra pound in an insane asylum in the form of "This is the House that Jack Built"
"Read Ezra Pound's 'Asylum Cantos'." - Noah
None of his own

Caroline
Insomnia by Dana Gioia - depressing but rhyme is powerful at the end
Home - similar to Gioia's poem - excellent use of form

Erin
Free Verse (and Wishing I was Emily Dickenson) - amazing form
Good job on bringing in copies of your work so that everyone could look at it and edit it!!

"Oh ninja, my ninga." - Mike

Meeting Minutes for # ????

Meeting Minutes February 02, 06

Minutes appearing on the site are pretty near a miracle, but I thought it may be valuable considering some of the interesting and profitable excercises the group is getting involved in, particularily through Brendan (my bad if your name is spelt differently).

In any case, here are the minutes, I hope you enjoy 'em because I did... or will.

Present:
Brendan, Brent, Noah, Caroline, Todd, Mike, Jordan
(props to Caroline for representing :)

News: Two thoughts were discussed. Publishing in the Absynthe, and Making a collection of the DPS works into a book. Think it over

Excercise: Arbitrary Form

The idea of the excercise is to cultivate new lines of thought, or fresh lines of thought in each individual's writing style. The assignment was to take 5 words from a bag, and use them as the last word of a line in a poem. The order each person chose the words in determines what order they must appear in the poem. I wrote down each person's order:

Brendan: flip, hobgoblin, orange, couch, speak
Brent: pop, traveling, tissues, entertain, dedicate
Noah: memory, bill, bearhug, spring, sugar
Caroline: lard, missed, two, kiwi, time
Todd: sandy, lawnmower, elephant, fog, show
Mike: keep, juice, stomp, issue, farthest
Jordan: dedicate, fall, guitar, tell, snake

I'm excited to come and laugh my face off. Especially over hobgoblin, which seems to have been a big hit.

Mike:

Tom Mckinns (possible spelt wrong) "To Walt Whitman"

Mike Multicult to Ginsberg

-Easily the best poem i have heard Mike read. Noah and I were thinking of recording a reading of it. Good allusion with seemingly boarderline or dangerous issues.

Jordan:

Happy Vegerarianism For You

-Many agreed that this should be a Hallmark Card. It is too funny.

Todd:

Ponderings + 7 Experiments

-Very private imagery and content, which can be a major problem for the reader. Possible work to be done tying Ponderings and the 7 Experiments together. Also take a look at seemingly randomly capitalized words. Poignant imagery is fun to work with, but it needs sharpening, and clarification for the reader

Caroline:

Dana Gioia Things For Remembering Us

Caroline Desperate Refusal of Previous Invitation (Part I + II)

-I think across the board people were impressed with the fact that Caroline worked at rearanging this poem. From my perspective it was moving in a suspense-movie sort of way. Thanks for inspiring us to continually work with our poetry.

Brendan:

Margaret Avison The Crux

Brendan Tyro and the Drifter

-I love the layout of the poem. The comparison of the drunkard's life with the child's is on multiple levels which is great. I also appreciated how this poem was orated because it has the opportunity for a powerful finish.

Lay the First Stone

-unique perspective in the poem. Perhaps work with some of the words to get a proper connotation (black, murky, etc...) There were other things that I noticed, but I wrote them on Brendan's page and not my own... sigh.

So please work on the assignment, and those of you who want to try it pick 5 random words out of a group of perhaps 30, and join in the fun! I look forward to seeing you all, and laughing with you.

the bard

7 Experiments

7 Experiments

1.

Time is the un-flavoured

Fire

2.

Balance of the polar

Goods

3.

Incendiary thought

Flow

4.

Brown, heart-melting reason

Stops

5.

All minor objections

Claimed

6.

The great plunge and Oh sweet

Death

7.

Wonderful spiritual

Rest